Creative Corner
The Review Online
The Car Salesman
24th November 2008
She arrived and I hit her with the old, “How are you, had a good day?” line. She was looking for a small car but the boss had told me I had to make a big sale. I showed her the small car, highlighting its worst bits. Then I came in with the classic line; “Well I wouldn’t be doing my job properly if I didn’t show you this.” It was the old Volvo we haven’t sold in years. She’s looked hesitant; but of course she did, any daft brush would know this was nothing special. I got her behind the wheel and she drove off, after she stalled it twice: women drivers, what do you expect. Naturally I told her she was great. I even said, “You’re obviously used to having a big car because look at the way you’re handling this!”I got that from Eddy, genius ain’t it? She still seemed unsure so I told her the demand was incredibly high, yeh, and that I was fighting the customers off. This seemed to click and she asked about the price. I just came out with it: twelve grand. She thought that was good and I told her that it was; she bit the line and I reeled her in. I sold it in half an hour.
She was quite a looker and I am undeniably a babe magnet; they’re always throwing themselves at me. I was about to ask her out and then suddenly her boyfriend showed up. Looked a lot like Lennox Lewis except scarier. He said “What’s this crap you’ve sold my Bird?”. To be honest I found it quite offensive that he called her a ‘Bird’, but back to more pressing matters. He pinned me up against the wall and began explaining how he was going to rip my balls off. Well, I told him that we do not accept threats in this organisation. I told him if he didn’t leave right now then I would deal with him myself. He punched me so hard, it felt like being hit by a sledgehammer. Bright light, that’s all I could see and that’s when I was out.
When I woke up yesterday the gorgeous blonde was sitting there. Must have been my charm and heroism I thought. Then she started yelling at me about how her boyfriend was in trouble. What a nutcase I thought, but I knew we’d get through this - I’m a very tolerant man. When I asked her out she slapped me and ran out crying. Now, I am tolerant but I’m not desperate. I think she’s a bit mentally unstable to be honest, Frank. That’s about it really; now I’m stuck in this hospital talking to you. I’m a bit of a hero though aren’t I? I got a dangerous criminal off the streets and saved the girl from her horrible boyfriend. Well, anyway, plenty more fish in the sea. Have you seen that nurse on reception?